POV: You've just spent £300 on paranormal equipment and you're investigating your mate's flat at midnight

Me, pointing thermal camera at every corner of a mediocre two-bedroom in Croydon: 'Interesting. Very interesting.'

My mate Karen: 'Have you found anything yet?'

Me, having spent the last hour discovering that the 'cold spot' in her bedroom is just because her radiator's broken: 'The data is... inconclusive.'

Actually though this is how 90% of paranormal investigations go. You gear up like you're investigating the Stanford Prison or Skinwalker Ranch and you end up discovering that the 'poltergeist' is just loose pipes and the 'apparition' was a reflection in the window. But you can't say that after Karen's already paid for your petrol and made you a cuppa.

This is painfully accurate. I went to investigate someone's 'haunted' office building with a full kit - EMF meter, thermal camera, audio recorder, the lot. Spent six hours documenting absolutely nothing. The strange sounds? Neighbouring building's HVAC system. The cold spots? Dodgy windows. Never again without at least some preliminary evidence first.

The bit about not wanting to tell them you found nothing made me cackle. You can't go 'Well Karen, your house is just boring and the building's just old' after she's been excited about it for a week. You have to pretend the readings are 'inconclusive' and offer to come back with 'more sensitive equipment.'

£300 of equipment to discover that someone's house is just... a normal house with normal house noises. This is why I never do private investigations anymore. Public sites only - at least the history is interesting even if nothing paranormal happens.

The 'poltergeist' is just loose pipes

The thermal camera moment killed me because yes, absolutely. You've spent seventy quid on a device that shows you 'oh, that's where the heat source is' and somehow this is supposed to be paranormal evidence. Meanwhile you're standing there trying to look professional while a radiator does what radiators do.